In a previous episode, I told the story of how I met my first love. Part of that story was how I carried my love for her through two marriages, and two decades of my life. I brushed past that bit. I guess the time has come to expand on that a little…
I remember being out with my first wife Maureen. We’d stopped for gas in the town where Luba (my first love) lived. While the gas was pumping, Maureen asked me “what would you do if Luba walked up to the car, and asked you to go with her?” My answer wasn’t one that made Maureen very happy. “I’d get out of the car, and go with her,” I said honestly.
I don’t recommend that anyone carrying feelings for a lost love handle things the way I did!
I knew that I was in love with Luba. I resented Maureen for not being her. I couldn’t be with her, and nobody could ever replace her. I guess I’d put both Maureen and I in a difficult position…
It’s not that I didn’t want to get married. I did. It’s not that I didn’t love Maureen. I did. It’s just that there was this huge part of my heart that belonged to someone else. If I’m going to be honest, it was probably the biggest part of my heart.
Predictably, that marriage didn’t last. Enter Alyson.
Alyson had something wonderful going for her: she wasn’t Maureen. I’m not saying that one was better than the other — only that I needed a change. When you’re romantically involved with someone you see as a consolation prize, it’s really easy to get tired of them.
Alyson knew that I was in love with Luba. She didn’t seem bothered by it. After all, we were talking about a woman who I hadn’t seen in many years, so I don’t think she really took my feelings in that area very seriously. She said that nobody completely gets over their first love. I don’t think she realized that, for me, it was much deeper than that.
I’ll tell you what you’ve probably guessed already. Things didn’t last with Alyson either. Out of respect for both of my exes, I’m not going to unpack the details of how the marriages ended.
One thing I can share is that I was never more than 1/2 in. When you’re in love with someone outside of your relationship, there’s no way to be 100% invested. Sure, there were wonderful experiences to be had with both of my wives. I can’t help but wonder, though, how much better those would have been if I hadn’t been negatively comparing them to someone they could never be.
It’s often difficult to cope with the idea that we can’t go back in time. I know it was for me, anyway. It’s not that my life didn’t move forward. The problem was that I kept stumbling along the way because I was always looking back.
To hear the podcast version of this (and other) stories, visit www.acfischerpod.com