Pure And Absolute
“Love won’t obey our expectations, it’s mystery is pure and absolute.”
-Robert James Waller
When I write, I try not to work from anything preconceived. My goal is always to be authentic and pure. That can’t happen unless I write what’s dominating my mental space. The price I pay for that is occasionally getting stuck on a theme.
That theme right now is my feelings surrounding the loss of someone close to me. I didn’t lose her to tragedy or death. I lost her to circumstance, ego, and misunderstanding. The circumstance element is frustrating, but beyond my control. The ego and misunderstanding are infinitely worse, though, because those could have been dealt with in time to change the course of events.
When she walked out the door, I didn’t expect to ever see or speak to her again. I guess I should celebrate the fact that we’re at least talking now but these conversations bring up mixed emotions.
First and foremost, I’m happy to hear her voice. I didn’t realize how much I had missed that until she broke the silence between us. There’s a piece of me that doesn’t function correctly without being occasionally refuelled by talking to her.
Like I said, there are mixed emotions involved. As much as I love that she and I can enjoy talking to each other, there’s a deep ache that comes out of these conversations. I ache because it took blowing up our relationship to get us to a point where we could check our egos, allowing us to finally make room to actually understand each other.
Why couldn’t we have figured this out before being separated by hundreds of miles, a global pandemic, and a closed border?
I love her. Of that there is no doubt. She loves me, and that is certain. Is that enough? I guess time will tell.
When we fell in love, we had certain expectations about how our story would play out. We had a plan to make sure that our expectations wouldn’t be disappointed. Things took a different turn, though.
I don’t know how our story ends. I’ve learned that knowing isn’t part of how things work. Love won’t obey our expectations. Love’s mystery is pure and absolute.
Listen to the podcast version of this (and other) stories at www.acfischerpod.com